Black people who celebrate the Fourth of July should totally pay these penalties

So I’m at the bar, drinking a glass of wine at the end of a work day when a Black guy stands up and says, “Big-a** July Fourth shindig at the park by my crib. All are invited!” 

OK so my mind screamed, what kind of Black person says “shindig”? But verbally I responded, “No, no, nope. Black people aren’t allowed to celebrate the Fourth. Rescind the invitations. The party is canceled.” 

“You’re funny, my bro,” he responded before he joyfully skipped out of the door like Peter Pan.

“I feel you, my man,” a white dude in a plaid button-up said as I ordered another round. “I celebrate Juneteenth more than the Fourth and I’m not even Black.”

I laughed, and we aimed our glasses at each other. I swigged because it’s wine, and he gulped. 

“I’m Sean,” the white dude said. 

“And I’m the president of Juneteenth. Juneteenth is more fun, Sean,” I laughed. “And the music is better. Like you can rock out to Frankie Beverly on Juneteenth, but have to listen to some goofy-a** Francis Scott Key cover on the Fourth.”

“Key was a racist, my bro,” Sean proclaimed. 

I explained to Sean that I know all about Key, the slaves he owned and the third stanza of the athem, which reads, “No refuge could save the hireling and slave /From the terror of flight, or the gloom of the grave.” 

Inspired by the War of 1812, Key wrote that verse because the British were promising the Black enslaved people freedom if they fought alongside them. Key thought they should be dead because they were traitors — but if the whole purpose of the war was freedom, then why shouldn’t Black people want to be freed too?

“I knew he owned slaves,” Sean said, “I didn’t know that.” 

Sean tried to pay my bill because Key was a terrible guy, but I didn’t let him. I don’t mind giving free history lessons  because people really don’t know. After Sean closed out, the bartender and I continued on why Black people can’t celebrate the Fourth and what should happen to them if we catch those traitors in the act. 

Here’s what we came up with:

For starters, Black people shouldn’t celebrate the Fourth because Juneteenth is right there, and it comes first; however, if I or my bartender friend catch you celebrating the Fourth of July, then these are your penalties: 

1. You will never be able to listen to or dance to Beyoncé again. 
2. You will be banned from attending cookouts that have Black grandmas present. 
3. No more “Cha Cha Slide” for you — you will only be able to dance to the white version, which I don’t know, but I’m guessing it’s a line dance. I also don’t what a line dance is but you better. 
4. You will not be able to eat potato salad unless it was made by a white person who swears by raisins. 
5. And if the government issues reparations, you will not receive a check. 

Most of the Black people who still get excited by celebrating the Fourth couldn’t care less about No. 1-4 anyway, but the real penalty is good on that holiday indefinitely. We see the Fourth of July as another Columbus Day, and y’all can have it. 

Happy Fourth, but not really.