In a world of limitless dinner options, my case against meatloaf
Of all the things you can do with your life, why eat meatloaf? –– Beyoncé (or maybe Oprah).
Okay, okay, so neither Beyoncé nor Oprah actually said that. However, if either the queen of music or the queen of interviews was presented with a fresh plate of thinly-sliced gourmet meatloaf composed of the highest quality beef, I am very sure something similar to my fake quote will dance around in their heads. In addition to the fact that “gourmet meatloaf” is an oxymoron. Saying gourmet meatloaf, it’s kind of like saying gourmet SPAM or gourmet Cheerios.
In all seriousness, billions of recipes in existence — digitally available and at our fingertips, right in whatever browser comes with your smart phone — why would anybody, anywhere, choose to eat a brownish, block-shaped hunk of baked flesh?
I will proudly live and gladly die defending my stance on meatloaf. I rejected meatloaf when I was at my hungriest, sealed my lips shut when my mother tried to shove it in my toddler mouth back in the 80s. I’ve ended relationships after so-called friends offered me the dish and would report a restaurant to the health department, the CDC, or somebody if they dared to waste ink by putting that trash on the menu.
I have a friend who also hates meatloaf. But when we met for a drink recently, they said, “It’s a solid dish if you don’t really have money. I get why people eat it; I ate it. It’s cheap and last long….”
“That sounds ridiculous,” I cut in, “You can form the meat into small balls and throw it on some pasta or smash it into burgers, fry it, and serve it on a bun. There’s literally no excuse to loaf meat!”
The bartender shot me two thumbs up.
I rejected meatloaf when I was at my hungriest, sealed my lips shut when my mother tried to shove it in my toddler mouth back in the 80s
I mean, even Hamburger Helper, which I would never recommend, is a better use of ground beef or ground turkey than whipping it up with breadcrumbs, onions, an egg and whatever else to form a loaf made of meat. We should also acknowledge that meatloaf is the ugliest main course ever, no one can stylishly plate that.
According to “Apicius,” the oldest cookbook in the world, meatloaf traces all the way back to the fourth or fifth century. The invention of the meat grinder popularized the dish in the 1800s.
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But see, here’s the thing, we are not in the fifth century or 1800. This is 2023 and there are too many options. No one should be eating meatloaf.
That said, if you find yourself in front of a freshly baked meatloaf, I would like to offer six simple ideas that will make sure you get the most out of the classic dish.
Have you been trying to lose weight? Have diet pills, fasting and exercise just not been getting it done? Well, I welcome you to try the meatloaf diet. It’s straightforward, just fill up your fridge with meatloaf and put only the requisite ingredients in all of the cabinets. I guarantee that you will be so bored and grossed out that you will never eat again, and the weight will begin to just fall off.
Do you own a dog? Well you should buy your dog a dog and then feed the meatloaf to that dog. Giving it to your dog is too disrespectful, but your dog will love the gesture and you will be looked at like a hero.
I have a friend in a toxic one-sided relationship with a master manipulator. They wanted to end the union traditionally by being honest but feared that their partner would just turn on those master-manipulating skills, ultimately foiling the plans. So, I recommended meatloaf.
Just say you are in the mood for meatloaf every time they want to go out to eat, swear that meatloaf pairs excellently with ice cream and chocolate syrup for a delicious dessert, and even go as far as to smuggling a little piece of meatloaf with you into the movie theater on date night. Breakfast, lunch, dinner — all meatloaf.
“Two days of this,” I said, and that person will exit your life with quickness, no questions asked.” (You also benefit from the meatloaf diet, so congratulations on starting your new single-life 20 pounds lighter.)
I enjoyed the NFL playoffs on a snowy Sunday with friends. We were so excited that we wanted it to go outside and toss around the pigskin, but there was one problem. We did not have a football. If I was thinking, I would have baked a meatloaf, allowed it to cool off, and told one of my homeboys to go long because I would throw this baby about 30 yards.
the best place for Meatloaf prepared in a Michelin star restaurant, crafted by a James Beard award-winning chef, organized by the love of your life, or even served to you by your sweet grandma–– it in the dumpster. Throw the whole Meatloaf out.
(Editor’s note: To each their own, of course, but here at Salon Food we don’t hate all meatloaf as universally as writer D. Watkins — just bad meatloaf. To ensure you never make a version that people will wish they could feed to their dog’s new dog, try these tips from expert chef Kenny Gilbert. Oprah loves his fried chicken, so I have a feeling she’d love his meatloaf, too.)
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