I’m Running For President! By Bayo Oluwasanmi
The list of presidential aspirants grows by the day. The names on the list give Nigerians ample fodder for comedy: Jagaban, Pastors RUGA and SAKABULA, Rotimi Amaechi, Godwin Emefiele, Kayode Fayemi, Chris Ngige, Orji Uzor Kalu, Rochas Okorocha. Some famous dead people are also running: Akaraogun, Ifoye, Aramada Okunrin, Olohun Iyo, Imodoye, and Kako.
At this time of widespread despondency in the country, the names of aspirants provide a balm as well as a weapon. As a balm, it provides comedy that can protect us from contagious political maladies of the aspirants. As a weapon, the aspirants are the weapons of mass destruction that destroyed Nigeria. The names animate a toxic parade of walking caricatures. It’s going to be an interesting race!
One thing is certain though about 2023 elections. It’s a desire for a narrative that will sound the death knell of a country. But all hope is not lost. I’m running for president! The good news will excite Nigerians because an outsider who is not in any form or shape connected with the rot is in the race. Yesterday, I was at the Arson Rubbles to make my intentions known to the The Butcher as is fondly called by his friends, supporters, and admirers.
Our conversation went thus:
“Mr. President, I’m here to tell you God has anointed me as your successor. I’m not here to seek your approval or blessings because it’s a done deal. Mr. President, I’m the best for the job because you know very well that you and your predecessors don’t have the required IQ level to govern Nigeria. Partly it’s not your fault because you and your predecessors were born before the modern IQ exam was invented to measure intelligence.
“A level of 140 can be considered genius level. The average IQ is at 115. Mr. President, you and your predecessors have IQ level of 10. This is the worst IQ of any president in the world. I’m running because the country needs a candidate who cannot be injured by investigation of his past history. I’m currently 98 and would be 99 years old when I become the President in 2023. I’m inspired by you and former presidents by their commitment to serve even at their advanced ages.
“As president, I plan to expand and extend Fulani suzerainty to all nooks and crannies of Nigeria. No doubt, this is music to your ears. For example, Yoruba Nation would become Yoruba-Fulani Nation. Islamic Constitution will replace the much dreaded 1999 Constitution. Sharia will become the law of the land. Repentant and unrepentant Boko Haram terrorists and pardoned Fulani herdsmen terrorists will form the federal executive council.
“All students in elementary school, high school, colleges and universities will be required to wear hijab. I’ll ban women from driving. Women would not have the freedom to work outside their homes. All churches will become mosques because Islam will be the state religion. There will be no police. Alkalis will be our police, DSS, and judges. Public transportation will consist of camels, mules, donkeys, and cows. No more automobiles. Cell phones will be banned. Internet, social media will be history. Mr. President, these are some of the changes my administration would pursue to cement your legacy by taking Nigeria further to deeper dark years.”