A bottle of wine, flowers or a box of chocolate: How did host gifts become so fraught?

So, you’ve been invited to a holiday party. Naturally, you’re probably racking your brain for an acceptable yet thoughtful gift to give to the host. Perhaps a nice bottle of wine? Or, maybe, a bouquet of fresh flowers? How about a box of chocolates? After all, they are pretty innocuous host gifts. And they easily get the message “thank you for having me” across.

“It’s always a nice gesture and arguably better when it’s unexpected,” event planner Jessica Sloane told Today about getting a host gift. Other party experts echoed her sentiments, advising prospective guests to stick to gifting the basics: cheese, wine or even olive are just a few of the safest choices. Some even offered appropriate price ranges depending on the kind of party being thrown. For smaller events (i.e. a dinner party or a festive wine night), spending between $20 to $30 is a-okay. Housewarming parties typically call for a slightly more expensive gift, especially if you know the host well, while overnight gatherings call for a gift anywhere between $50 to $200.

There’s no specific rule that says it’s mandatory to bring a host gift, but the practice has long been customary and deemed an act of respect. Showing up to a function with a gift in hand is the least a guest could do to thank their host for their hospitality. It’s also always appreciated!

Well, not always. In recent years, there have been an increasing number of very online opinions about how it’s actually an imposition to bring your host any kind of gift. Some say the practice has become a thing of the past, best reserved for just our parents’ and grandparents’ generations. Others say it actually breaks, rather than upholds, proper guest etiquette.

The main argument is that gifts, whether big or small, are an added hassle for hosts, who are already overwhelmed with entertaining a crowd. Take for example flowers, which require a host to go fetch a vase (something they may not have readily available), or wine, which the host may not even care to drink. Chocolates require a host to awkwardly share them with other party attendees, or they’ll just occupy valuable space inside a pantry or refrigerator.

When it comes to dinner parties, some hosts may discourage their guests from bringing additional gifts, especially if they’ve asked them to provide an item, like a side dish or a dessert, instead: “In many cultures, showing up to an event empty-handed is considered rude. Speaking as a host, I get it!” wrote Salon’s Melanie McFarland. “But I also don’t want to be stuck with that chili or five desserts at the end of the night — unless I request five desserts.” Simply put, “if the host tells you not to bring anything other than yourself, take them at their word,” McFarland clarified.

Now, if guests are hellbent on bringing something, the best thing to do is to ask their host or give them a heads up. Of course, that also defeats the whole purpose of a host gift. A gift is both given and received. Some folks say that if you have to reach out and ask your host whether they’d like a gift or not, then it’s best to show up without one.

Host gifts as a whole are a subjective issue. Those who are for it argued that wanting to both give and receive gifts isn’t greedy. They also said not every occasion is worthy of a gift. Coming over to nosh on pizza and binge-watch trashy reality television doesn’t require a host gift, said Huffpost’s Brie Dyas. But a formal, sit-down event does.

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Dyas said there are several reasons why people need to bring back host gifts. The first is that a gift “acknowledges the considerable time and effort your host has expended just to have you over in the first place.” For one night, a host is also a “chef, activities coordinator, bartender, server, clean-up crew and maybe innkeeper,” Dyas said. A host gift is simply a small token of appreciation.

Host gifts also “minimize the awkwardness of spending the night at a friend’s house.” Essentially, it helps make a guest “feel less of a bother and more on the same footing as your host.” Most importantly though, host gifts simply signify that guests are “being polite” and “preserving hope in humanity.” 

“While rudeness has always existed, the sheer opportunity for rudeness has increased significantly,” Dyas wrote. “I firmly believe that doing something nice for someone else helps that person from descending into Andy Rooney territory the next time they encounter an annoying situation.”

So there you have it. There isn’t really a clear-cut answer on whether host gifts are wrong or right. They are simply a personal preference. With that in mind, it doesn’t hurt to bring something small for your host this holiday season. That’s if they said otherwise, of course. If the only gift they crave is your attendance, simply bring just that.