No, candy corn isn’t the worst Halloween candy. It’s actually Laffy Taffy

Every October, the age-old debate of which is the worst Halloween candy to ever exist crops up. And time after time, the answer always remains candy corn.

Sure, there’s some merit to that statement. Candy corn, after all, is really sweet — so much so, that it can cause your teeth to ring (and eventually, rot). Candy corn also has a really bizarre texture that can only be described as slightly waxy and chalky all at once. The candy is so hated that there are several Reddit posts decrying the traffic-cone-shaped confection: “One of the most disgusting things on this or any other version of planet Earth,” wrote one user, while another simply called the candies, “Vile little guitar picks of diabetes.”

Candy corn is primarily reserved for Halloween decor in my household. But I’ll admit that I occasionally indulge in a few candies here and there. That being said, candy corn isn’t the absolute worst spooky-themed candy in my books. That title is reserved for Laffy Taffy.

Yes, Laffy Taffy, the nauseatingly sweet, sticky and nearly-suffocating candy that’s available in a variety of colors and artificial fruit flavors. It’s a shame because fruit-flavored sweets are my favorite kind of candies. But Laffy Taffys are so atrociously bad that their fruit flavors are more off-putting than tasty.

My earliest memories of Laffy Taffys were made in middle school, when I was also enjoying my glory years of trick-or-treating. On Halloween day, I’d go around my neighborhood with my large pillow sack, eagerly hoping for a bag filled with Twix Bars, Nerds, Jolly Ranchers, Sour Patch Kids and Warheads. Almond Joys, Yorks, Whoppers and Butterfingers elicited a grimace. However, Laffy Taffys elicited a full-blown scowl. Perhaps this was a fault in my neighborhood — or maybe I just got really unlucky — but it seemed like all the Laffy Taffys I received were either already opened or stuck onto another Laffy Taffy. Forget about enjoying the darn candy, it was almost impossible to get all of the wrapper off of a Laffy Taffy. It certainly wasn’t a pretty sight, especially for a child eagerly waiting to feast on their Halloween candies. My Laffy Taffys typically ended up in the trash.

Want more great food writing and recipes? Subscribe to Salon Food’s newsletter, The Bite.

The few lucky and untarnished ones were still a pain to enjoy. First, there’s the awful texture of Laffy Taffy, which feels like melted plastic. Chewing on a Laffy Taffy is an absolute pain and so is swallowing — that melted plastic texture suddenly becomes incredibly suffocating. Then there’s the awful choices of flavors.

The most common flavors include banana, strawberry, green apple, grape, blueberry, watermelon, blue raspberry, and cherry. The fact that Laffy Taffy even has a banana flavor says everything you need to know about the candy brand. Let it be known that banana is a bottom-tiered flavor. I mean, who looks at a banana and thinks it would make for a good tasting candy? Maybe that’s just my hatred of bananas doing the talking, but I’m still a firm believer that bananas and artificial candies should stay far away from each other.   

I’ll say, the best part about the candies are their short, question-and-answer-style jokes, which are printed on the outside of each wrapper. Those jokes, while cheesy, are reminiscent of the jokes commonly found at the end of popsicle sticks. It’s fun, silly and nostalgic — Laffy Taffy can at least revel in that.

I think my sentiments about (and disappointment for) Laffy Taffy are best summed up in this one, admittedly aggressive Reddit comment: “Every flavor tastes like the ass of a dead skunk, and the aftertaste is even f**king worse. Not to mention the fact that half of the time you can’t even get all of the wrapping off of the f**ker. What the hell even is Laffy taffy anyways?”