Girlfriend, Marianne Williamson Would Like to Have a Word With You

At the end of last night’s Democratic Primary Debate, the 10 candidates were asked to lip-sync for their lives to “The Rhythm Is Going to Get You” and then give the first issue they’d tackle as president in two words. Just two words. Personally, I always love when debate moderators try to place strict, simple constraints on candidates because it’s like they’ve performed a summoning spell for all the Type-A chaotic energy in the world.

Moderators: Please, I am begging you, speak for 15 seconds and then stop.

Candidates: Honey, you’ve got a big storm coming for you!

Politicians hear “two words” and their brains go “talk like it’s the end of a prescription commercial.” Every debate ends up feeling like fight between the moderators, the candidates, and the concept of time. But it’s a polite fight, like they’re all doing a stage reading of The Family Stone. (All of this would’ve been my two-word answer about my first policy as president.)

(Just kidding, my first policy as president would be to revive Smash and get Amy Adams an Oscar. I know that is two policies, but what are you going to do, arrest me? I’m the president!)

Author and spiritual teacher Marianne Williamson must have been standing closest to the door in the universe through which the chaotic energy came rushing through because her answer to the two-word question was not only a full paragraph, featuring dialogue and mis-en-scene, but also involved the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern.

Williamson, in response to Chuck Todd’s “one or two words” prompt said, “My first call is to the Prime Minister of New Zealand, who said that her goal is to make New Zealand the place where it’s the best place in the world for a child to grow up. And I would tell her ‘girlfriend, you are so on’, because the United States of America is going to be the best place in the world for a child to grow up.”

Chuck Todd interrupted her at that point, which is unfortunate as it seemed that she might continue, “And then I’d tell the Prime Minister of New Zealand about a thing that happened to me the other day. It was one of those days when it’s a minute away from snowing. And there’s this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it, right? And this bag was just… dancing with me. Like a little kid begging me to play with it. For fifteen minutes. That’s the day I realized that there was this entire life behind things, and this incredibly benevolent force that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid ever… Sometimes there’s so much beauty in the world I feel like I can’t take it… and my heart is going to cave in.”

I’m not certain, but I feel like if you could distill the issue Marianne Williamson most wants to combat into two words it would be “Bad vibes.” I suppose I have to wait until my phone call to get clarity. Oh, that’s the other thing. Under a Williamson presidency, everyone will get a personal phone call from her. It will be scheduled at 15 minutes and will go on for four hours. Please clear your schedule. And also your spirit. Let’s take a listen in on some of those conversations, like we’re the NSA, a particular sensitive medium, or an Amazon Echo.

Marianne Williamson calls Jacinda Ardern

Marianne: Girlfriend, I would like to formally invite you to bring it on because it has already been broughten for as you are aware, there are some Toros in the atmosphere.

Jacinda: I’m sorry, who is this?

Marianne: Girlfriend, it’s President Marianne Williamson. From Earth?

Jacinda: Come again?

Marianne: Girlfriend, if you’re asking my thoughts on reincarnation, we’ll have to clear the whole afternoon. I just called to tell you I’ve declared war on New Zealand.

Jacinda: …Is every conversation with an American president extremely confusing and vaguely threatening?

Marianne: Girlfriend, that’s diplomacy! Anyway, America’s kids are about to lovingly trounce New Zealand’s kids. Tell those Hobbits they better have a third breakfast because, girlfriend, it is on!

Jacinda: I think I’m going to hang up now.

Marianne: Girlfriend, I’m going to keep talking either way!

Marianne Williamson calls Donald Trump

Marianne: Girlfriend, I have directed the military to send 1,000 love bombs to your house.

Donald: Nooooooo! Like Jay-Z in his verse on Kanye West’s “Monster,” my one weakness is love! How did you know?

Marianne: Girlfriend, I heard it in the flap of a butterfly’s wing.

Donald: I can feel the affection growing closer. It chills my bones. It dismantles me at a conceptual level. Did I ever exist at all? I am fading away. I am a plastic bag, trash but also beautiful. Please, Marianne, promise me one thing before I cease to exist.

Marianne: Girlfriend, make it quick. I have to stare meaningfully at Kim Jong Un in 20 minutes.

Donald: Marianne, please. I beg of you: keep my legacy alive by buying a poorly made Trump brand hat, water bottle, or leaking oil tanker. It is my gift to the world.

Marianne Williamson calls Vladimir Putin

Marianne: Girlfriend, have you been lyin’ when you shoulda been truthin’?

Putin: …Yes. ::cries::

Marianne: Girlfriend, let’s go look at the Northern Lights over Siberia together and feel our atoms realign.

Putin: I can’t believe this is actually working on me.

Marianne: Girlfriend, I smudged the Kremlin this morning. I bought out an entire Italian sage grove!

Marianne Williamson calls Nancy Jo Sales

Marianne: Girlfriend, this is Alexis Neiers calling. I’m calling to let you know how disappointed I am in your story. There’s many things that I read in here that were false. Like you saying that I wore six-inch Louboutin heels with my tweed skirt, when I wore four-inch little brown Bebe shoes—

Nancy Jo: Oh, God. It’s happening again.

Marianne: Girlfriend, hahaha, I’m just kidding. It’s me, President Marianne Williamson. From Earth?

Nancy Jo: Oh God.

Love Mob Rally For Marianne Williamson

Marianne Williamson leads a “love mob” rally in 2014.

Tibrina HobsonGetty Images

Marianne Williamson calls Me

Marianne: Girlfriend, this is President Marianne Williamson calling. I’m calling to let you know how disappointed I am in your story. There’s many things that I read in here that were false. Like you saying that I bought an entire Italian sage grove, when I asked every American to mail one sage leaf to Vladimir Putin in an envelope full of loving energy.

R. Eric: Oh, God. It’s happening again.

Marianne: Girlfriend, I have no choice but to cancel you with love.

R. Eric: Nooooooo! My one weakness: authentic human vulnerability! Remember me for my thiiiirrrrsst!

Marianne Williamson calls the president of NBC

Marianne: Girlfriend, here’s a pitch for your television waves: Fade in on a girlfriend, with a hunger for fame and a face and a name to remember. The past fades away, because as of this day, Norma Jean’s gone. She’s moving on! To an astral plane!

NBC: What?


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