Fellow Nigerians, greetings from Washington. After being banned from entering the U.S. for 12 years, I finally made a “triumphant” entry and shamed the “e-rats” and APC trolls. I even slept at the Trump Hotel, where our President, Jubril, the lifeless one can only dream of visiting. While the “e-rats” were making empty noise on social media, my boy, Osita Chidoka, arranged a $1.1 million contract between the PDP and Ballard Partners which was a cover to buy my way to the U.S. You see, I am a con artist that can buy anything with my money, so, suck it up distractors!
While I am busy taking about the important project of how I will get Nigeria working again for my poor friends Bukola Saraki, IBB, Danjuma, David Oyedepo, Obasanjo and co., you, the toothless opposition was talking about stupid and unimportant things like, fighting corruption, Trademoi, and infrastructural development, pensioners, integrity, etc.
By trying to ridicule me after I enriched my friends, who in turn, enriched my wife through the illicit transfer of over 40 million U.S. Dollars while I was the VP, you, the trolls placed your hands on a tipper with a load of sand. But like the con artist tortoise, I have outsmarted everyone in the animal kingdom by going to U.S. Ntoor to all the “e-rats”. Suck it up, guys.
Fellow Nigerians, give me, Atiku, some credit for guts. Apart from Saraki and Bola Tinubu, I am the only Nigerian with an impeccable integrity and track record of not enriching himself while in office. While serving as Obasanjo’s VP, I, Atiku got myself impoverished, privatized government agencies for the poor, built the American University of Nigeria for the poor. Now, I have dangerously poor Nigerians campaigning for my reelection. So, why can’t you trolls suck it up and join the saints and deliver Nigeria to the devil?
If you doubt that I, Atiku, will “get Nigeria working again” for the poor, close your eyes and look at my guinea pig, the American University of Nigeria (AUN). This is an exclusive University for poor Nigerians living below the poverty line. Here, I, Atiku, who was “born poor”, grew up poor until Nigerian government “invested in [me]” and I became rich, is showing an example of how to reinvest in Nigerian poor. Today, AUN is setting the pace by exclusively attracting the poor and the underprivileged Nigerians. Suck it up Nigerians and stop being jealous.
Fellow Nigerians, fear does not affect the stomach, that’s why it is always in the front. I fear no one. My boys Osita and Ben Bruce were very dependable. Did you not see the pictures from the meeting I had at the White House with Trump and my fellow con artist Bukola Saraki?
After Saraki failed in his presidential bid based on the promise to “grow Nigeria” in Panama and Seychelles, I quickly recruited him to help “get Nigeria working again” by growing our economy like he grew the stomach and bank accounts of Nigerian Senators. Having orchestrated the restoration of openness, accountability, and integrity in the Nigerian Senate, why won’t Nigerians let me and Saraki “get Nigeria working again”?
If you need additional evidence of Saraki’s capability to help “Get Nigeria Working Again”, look no further than Societe Generale Bank. Not only did Saraki transform the bank to the envy of other banks, but he also consolidated its capital, to the extent that it survived several credit crises that led to the collapse of many banks. Now, the bank does not only grant low-interest loans to small businesses without stress, but Societe Generale Bank also offer free services on how to grow the Nigerian economy by investing in offshore safe heavens like Seychelles and Panama.
Fellow Nigerians, a fish that does not swallow other fishes do not grow fat. I, Atiku and Saraki’s economic theory of growing the Nigerian economy is promoting the siphoning of the national wealth by the political class that corruptly enriched themselves. We believe that poor Nigerians like ourselves will grow Nigeria by buying houses abroad. So, suck it up.
Of course, I was thinking of “growing Nigeria and making it work again” for poor Nigerians when I bought my mansion in the U.S. for a chicken change of $1.75 million in 1999. I later sold the mansion for a small change of $2.95 million Dollars when I thought the Americans will never let me in again. It was the millions of Dollars proceed that I used to establish my Dubai base. Ntoor!
What else is expected of cigarette if not smoke? Just before I made my triumphant entry to the US, I expelled a large plume of smoke by revealing that even though I am campaigning as an anti-corruption champion, I do not even understand the meaning of corruption. The stupid “e-rats” were shocked when I said that I will enrich my friends. Poor ignorant fellow.
While the “e-rats” whined, friends who have known me for years laughed. What the “e-rats” refer to as corruption is what we believe in and practice every day. It is what we live for and what we are campaigning to reintroduce to governance in Nigeria. If the “e-rats” believe that enriching my friends is corruption, then, I am corruption and corruption is me. So, suck it up guys, after all, I just returned from the U.S you once dangled in my face as an impossible mission.
Unlike the wise man from the east with a big mouth, Peter Obi, who is quoting statistics, evoking China and boasting of how he won’t enrich his friends, I am bold, telling everyone who cares to listen that I am running for Nigerian President to enrich my friends one more time. Poor Peter Obi does not know that the style and tempo of the game in Abuja is different from the practice he had at Awka. He will be shocked to discover that politicians care about their friends. Fortunately for him and his teeming supporters, Peter has only ONE friend he can enrich, himself.
Fellow Nigerians, tell the “e-rats” to suck it up. Just in case they have not realized, I can promise to sell Aso Rock when I become your President and my brainwashed, sorry, my Atikulated supporters, that hate Jubril with passion will still vote for me. The “e-rats”, especially those in the US, who are outside peeing in would have learned that teaching me, Chief Atiku Abubakar what constitutes corruption is like teaching a primary one pupil the concept of infinity in mathematics.
Finally, fellow Nigerians, as you go to the polls on February 16th, 2019, remember that what I have visited U.S. Remember that I have promised to enrich my gang of poor friends that have robbed and ruined Nigerian like Dopkesi, Doyin Okupe, Saraki, Ben Bruce, Reno, Wike, Tambuwal, Obasanjo, Ekweremadu etc. For this reason, I deserve your votes on February, 16th, 2019.
To my Atikulated fans, I trust that you will not only vote, but that defend your votes for the benefit of my friends. Forget what is written on the vehicle’s body and enter the Atikulated vehicle. Remain Atikulated forever! Together, we can make America Great Again. Sorry, this American thing has entered my head. We will get Nigeria Working Again!
From Washington, with love.
You can email Churchill at [email protected] or follow on Twitter @churchillnnobi